Dark Ego Overload (DEO)
by Wicked Spring
Summary: A story about what happens when the villains come to earth and are stuck there--and share a house. (A very large one) Just a funny little story we wrote for fun. The first chapter is very long, but worth the read. A good thing to read if you want a good


Dark Ego Overload--Chapter One  
  
"Ow, my knee hurts!!" Avery complained in a rather high note.  
  
"Shut up baka!!" Prisma yelled back at her younger sister as they stood in front of their mirrors.  
  
"Prisma, leave her alone!" Catsy ordered. "All your screaming is messing up my concentration, how am I supposed to do my hair?!"  
  
"Oh no, I broke a nail!!" Screeched Bertie.  
  
~*~*~  
  
The theme song from American Pie was blaring all through the Dark Kingdom as the four generals all played strip poker. Nephrite was very drunk, and immediately capsized in his chair as he sang to the song. Suddenly all the fun was ruined as Queen Beryl's screeching voice echoed through the hall even over the blaring music.  
  
"Endymion, dammit! I'm prescribing you to viagra right away!!!"  
  
Everyone at the poker table flinched at the sound of her voice, like nails on a chalkboard. The words were even worse, since no one wanted to know that Endymion had been less than a stallion the previous night. Zoisite tossed back her ponytail, a smug look on her face.  
  
"Beryl's love life sucks! At least I don't have that problem! Maybe cuz my lover is actually a man…"  
  
Oh shit, this goes from bad to worse! Jedite complained mentally.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Wicked Lady rolled her eyes as she sat on the arm of Diamond's throne listening to Diamond and Sapphire bickering for the one millionth time that day.  
  
"Oh shut the Hell up, both of you! You're both such pigs!" She slid off the throne and walked out the door, her heals clicking on the stone floor. Diamond stared after her, ignoring Sapphire for a moment. He watched as she disappeared into the darkness that filled her chamber and then glared at Sapphire. Now she was mad at him again, and it was all Sapphire's fault.  
  
"Now look what you've done!!" He yelled, and Sapphire didn't say anything back. Instead he grinned triumphantly.  
  
"Looks like you won't be having much fun tonight, will you?" He mocked after a moment. Wicked Lady's voice could be heard screeching through the hall,  
  
"I heard that!!"  
  
~*~*~  
  
Tiger's Eye threw a picture back into the pile lazily. There seemed to be no more pretty girls for him to target… Slowly, he grabbed a handful of pictures, throwing some back into the pile until he found seven pictures that he liked. Well, six to be exact, but Hawk's Eye took the seventh one quickly.  
  
"Oh, he's cute!" Fish Eye commented, looking over Tiger's Eye's shoulder, seeing a young man with long white hair and a white cape.  
  
"What are you talking about? I was looking at her." Tiger's Eye pointed at the girl in the picture hanging on him. She had golden blonde hair pulled back in a pony tail and wore a gray uniform of some sort. "And she's cute," Tiger's Eye put another picture in front, this time of a young woman with long pink hair and a black dress on. "And so are the four of them…" He stared a the four pictures of young women with dark, upside down moons on their forehead.  
  
"Well I don't know what your bragging about, I've found the best one of all." Hawk's Eye bragged, showing them the picture he had found of an older woman with red hair and a strange blue dress on. Next to her was a young man, and Fish Eye blushed and grabbed the picture from him.  
  
"Oh, he's just perfect!" He squealed.  
  
Tiger's Eye rolled his eyes and looked back at the pictures he was holding. "Who should I go after first?" He mused, his eyes darting from one picture to the next.  
  
"If your not using that picture right now…" Fish Eye made a move for the picture that held the golden haired girl and the white haired man. Tiger's Eye pulled it from his reach, saying,  
  
"I found it first. But since I have no use for the part you want," He ripped the picture in half, separating the man and woman and handed Fish Eye the man. "There you go, knock yourself out. Literally."  
  
Fish Eye scowled at Tiger's Eye, but turned to Hawk's Eye, who did the same with the picture he held, handing his fish-named comrade the part with the male. Fish Eye now looked at the three pictures he held. One of the white haired man, one of the young man with the armor on that had been standing next to the woman in Hawk's Eye's picture, and one that he had found himself of a man with short white hair holding a glass of wine and sitting on a black stone throne.  
  
The three figures all looked at the pictures they held in their hands, satisfied. Eventually Tiger's Eye decided who he would go after first…  
  
~*~*~  
  
"Who the Hell are you?!!" Shrieked a very upset and startled Avery, as Tiger's Eye appeared behind her and the mirror she stood in front of caught his reflection. He had a ruthless grin on his face as the Four Sisters all turned to face him.  
  
"Good afternoon, I am Tiger's Eye." He started, but stopped. One thing he hadn't thought of. What was he doing here? Before he had been after dream mirrors, but now what?  
  
"Don't 'good afternoon' me!!" Yelled Birdie. "Because of you I messed up on my nails!! I'm gunna make you pay for that!!" She attempted to call a yoma to destroy Tiger's Eye, but when that didn't work, she had to attack him herself. She lashed out, freezing not only her target but her sisters as well, and then herself when the attack bounced off a mirror and back at her. With her hands, Catsy managed to start a fire, which rapidly spread until the entire room was on fire. All five people in it were enraged, and when they attempted to teleport away, Tiger's Eye back to the bar and the Sisters into Diamond's throne room, they found themselves in a place that looked much like earth… But it wasn't, it was full of other villains that had also failed, though most of them were in shadow.  
  
"Where are we?" Prisma demanded, rounding on Tiger's Eye. "This must be your doing!!"  
  
"Not mine!!" Tiger's Eye yelled back. "I don't know where the Hell we are any more than you do!"  
  
"Well what are we supposed to do here?" Avery asked. "Wherever 'here' is…" She trailed off, looking around. She spotted a make-up shop that was having a sale and sped off towards it.  
  
"Well, as long as we're here, I mind as well do some shopping…" Prisma walked off to a clothing store and was lost to sight.  
  
"And we're going to go to that salon!!" Catsy announced as the two youngest Four Sisters ran off into a salon, Birdie mumbling,  
  
"Maybe I'll be able to get my nails done decently here since I can't get them done right at home!" She shot a venomous glance at Tiger's Eye before going into the shop. Tiger's Eye was left alone in the street. Finally seeing a bar, he walked in, and was surprised to find that it looked much like his own… He sat down at the counter and got a drink. Meanwhile, Fish Eye was having about the same luck with his plans…  
  
~*~*~  
  
"Where am I? And where is that cute guy?" He looked around, and was surprised to find not Diamond who he was after, but a black/blue haired man in a blue outfit standing alone in the black crystal throne room.  
  
"And you would be?" Sapphire asked the man, who looked for all the world like a woman, who had just appeared in the throne room.  
  
"Fish Eye."  
  
"What are you doing here?" Bellowed a strong voice. Diamond strode back into the throne room, Wicked Lady next to him smiling triumphantly.  
  
Fish Eye batted his eyes and smiled at Diamond. "Hello." He said sweetly, and everyone in the room thought that he was surely a girl.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Diamond asked again, not impressed. He had better things to do than fool around with some girl who had just appeared here. For all he knew she was just one of the Four Sister's minions sent here to spy. He had never really trusted the Four Sisters.  
  
"Why, do you really need to know that?" Fish Eye snuggled up to Diamond, and was pushed away by Wicked Lady, who now stood in front of Diamond and Sapphire rather defensively.  
  
"No, he doesn't need to know that, because you aren't going to be here any more!" She shouted, her eyes glowing red. "GET OUT!!!!!!" When Fish Eye stood defiantly, still batting his eyes at Diamond, Wicked Lady pulled out her pink umbrella and shot a large beam of black energy at Fish Eye. The villain was caught of guard and thrown backward, hitting a door that would have led the way to earth, but now it lead to a strange place that looked almost like Earth, but not quite. Fish Eye rolled out into the street backwards, blinking.  
  
"What the…" He looked around, forgetting Diamond, and Wicked Lady's wrath. The three followed Fish Eye out, and the throne room disappeared behind them. They looked back, then looked around.  
  
"Now where are we? I swear, when I get my hands on that bitch, I'm going to…" Wicked Lady started towards Fish Eye, but Diamond caught her by the wrist and pulled her back. He shook his head, and she stood between him and Sapphire reluctantly.  
  
Later… She thought. I'll get that bitch later…  
  
~*~*~  
  
Hawk's Eye was readying himself to go and capture the "attractive" Elusive Queen Beryl that he was after. He was talking to himself in a terrible Australian accent that made him sound like a possessed, crack- head version of the Crocodile Hunter. "Lessee…I got ropes, lead weights, chocolate, sinful French lingerie (make a note, we will come back to this theme later!) a new, shiny shiny s-h-i-n-y Crystal Ball of Doom ™ and, naturally, since you always need some of this particular product to capture your local Elusive Queen Beryl, Running Cheese (also a registered trademark of D.E.O., c/o Possessed Authors INC.) "Okay! I'm ready to go!" He told himself, still with that ridiculous accent. After exchanging his little purple tutu costume for an equally hideous outfit of a snake-print safari jacket of the same shade, and horrible matching culottes (baggy safari shorts) and giving himself a quick once-over in the mirror, Hawk's Eye teleported himself out.  
  
~*~*~  
  
"Ummm…Hello everyone." Hawk's Eye said cheerfully to the very embarrassed generals. (Who were still playing strip poker.)  
  
"What the hell are you doing here you crazed pervert?!!" Kunzite asked crossly, "Who are you anyways?"  
  
"Eye. Hawk's Eye." He replied cheerfully and James Bond-ishly (in a horrible British accent). "Do you know where the Elusive Queen Beryl is hiding?" he asked more cheerfully yet, reverting back to his former accent, "And who might you be?" he asked of Zoisite.  
  
"It's none of your business, but I'll tell you my name; Zoisite. The 'Elusive Queen Beryl' is probably hiding in her room. Now stop staring at me." Zoisite said crossly.  
  
"OpieDoy Den'." Hawk's Eye answered, then took a few bounding steps and turned around again, "Where exactly is the queen's room?"  
  
"Down the corridor. Three doors down." Zoisite replied airily before realizing she was sitting around topless talking to some guy she didn't even know. "Waaah!" she shrieked, "Stop talking to me. LEAVE! NOW!"  
  
Hawk's Eye found The Elusive Queen Beryl soon enough and entered her room to witness yet another interesting sight.  
  
"Hello there Beryl." Hawk's Eye said smoothly. Beryl turned very red and screeched, "Who the hell are you?!"  
  
"That's the second time today I've been asked that." Hawk's Eye said more to himself than Beryl.  
  
"That's nice, but who are you?" Beryl demanded. "Hawk's Eye." He replied, "I'm here to …well I don't know… to… to… to… kidnap you! So, if you would kindly… um… you know, um… get… ready… we can get on with it."  
  
"What the…" Beryl blurted out(Stupidly). Suddenly Endymion decided he had to defend her.  
  
"You leave her alone!" he shouted, "She's my lover! She prescribed me to Viagra, and…" Beryl clapped a hand over his mouth.  
  
"Eh, hehe…" she giggled nervously. Endymion decided talking was now out of the question and he had to resort to violence, he pulled out a rose. At that moment Zoisite, who had somehow waltzed into the room, for reasons known only to herself, panicked and screamed "The roses! The roses!" She was closely followed by the other generals who were trying to restrain her, and failing miserably. Kunzite clapped a hand over her mouth, putting a stop to her maniacal shrieks.  
  
"Oh, good." Thought Hawk's Eye, " Now I can get them all at once, the others will be so proud!" He tried to wrap them all in his arms so he could kidnap them all at once. Just as he was trying to do this, they appeared in the earth-like realm, all now wearing earth-like clothes. (Thankfully, everyone was fully clothed...)  
  
~*~*~  
  
"Oh, Sapphire-sama, here you are!" Prisma seemed delighted when she caught sight of Sapphire walking down the street. She didn't seem so delighted to see that he was with Wicked Lady, who was flirting with him, and Diamond wasn't looking to happy about it.  
  
"Prisma-chan…" Sapphire smiled at her. His girlfriend took him by the arm and dragged him away in the opposite direction, calling back,  
  
"We're going to go shopping!! Bye bye Prince Diamond, Wicked Lady!"  
  
Wicked Lady didn't look happy now either. She scowled and crossed her arms, watching the two go. Diamond grinned at her and slipped an arm around her waist. "Don't pout, it ruins your face." He whispered in her ear. She slapped his hand, which he withdrew quickly, and spun around to face him.  
  
"Oh, put a cork in it, Diamond-sama. Why don't you go see if you can find that Moon Brat you adore so much, you two can rent a hotel room." Wicked Lady snapped before going after Sapphire and Prisma. One way or another Sapphire would be her's, she'd make sure of that. She was content to leave Diamond staring after her.  
  
~*~*~  
  
"What do you mean your out of lattes?!!" Wicked lady hissed at the poor young man behind the cashier register. First, she had had no success in finding the love of her life, and when she had, she had found him in the arms of that badly-dressed Prisma. To top it all of, she had decided to go shopping to get the horrible vision out of her mind, and the cashier had cut her favorite credit card in half!!  
  
"I'm sorry, ma'am, but we're out of them right now. The machine is broken, and…" The young man looked frightened now, this woman in front of him was very upset about not getting her latte.  
  
"Would you hurry it up?!" Another lady yelled in line. "I'm trying to get a latte here, and I'm in a hurry!"  
  
Wicked Lady threw the young man back and whirled on the woman. "You won't be getting any lattes today, the machine is broken!!"  
  
"What?!!" The woman, who had a long golden pony-tail trailing behind her, ran up to the front and joined in yelling at the cashier.  
  
"What am I supposed to do without my latte, huh? Do you know what kind of day I've had so far?" Zoisite, yes, it was her, began rambling on about how horrible her day had been. Wicked Lady, meanwhile, went behind the counter and pulled out her pink umbrella. She used it to hit the latte machine very hard, and there was a rumbling sound, and then fluid began to flow out of it. She marched back to the young man and grabbed him by the scruff of his shirt, saying, rather venomously at that, "Now get me my latte."  
  
When they had been served, Zoisite and Wicked Lady sat together at a table, drinking lattes, Kunzite sitting next to Zoisite and not helping the conversation along any.  
  
"By the way, I'm Zoisite." The blonde introduced herself. "And this," she paused to grab Kunzite's arm, "is Kunzite-sama."  
  
Wicked Lady nodded her head in acknowledgment. "Wicked Lady. Is Kunzite- sama your boyfriend?" Zoisite nodded proudly, and Wicked Lady scowled.  
  
"Do you have a boyfriend?" Zoisite inquired.  
  
"No." Wicked Lady grinned. "Well, not yet. You see, I'm working on that. But first I have to get rid of Prisma, and get Diamond out of the way, then Sapphire-sama will be all mine."  
  
"Sapphire?" Zoisite inquired.  
  
"Luna-P, come here." Wicked Lady caught her floating Luna Ball and pressed its nose, and a picture of Sapphire and Prisma shopping appeared in it. "That's Sapphire, and that's Prisma." The picture changed to show a picture of a tall man with white hair. "That's Diamond-sama, he's like Queen Beryl is to you, except we get along."  
  
"How do you know about Queen Beryl?" Zoisite was a little surprised.  
  
"As soon as you told me your name, I knew who you were. That Moon Brat told me all about you." Seeing the confused expressions Zoisite and Kunzite's faces, the pink-haired nega-warrior continued. "I'm Rini, the Moon Brat's daughter, only evil and older, and better."  
  
Zoisite nodded. "So, you know a lot about her?"  
  
"Everything."  
  
Kunzite became interested. "Everything?" If only he had met this girl earlier, he could have defeated that Moon Brat once and for all. But then again, and he did not know this, if he had, there would be no Wicked Lady to meet.  
  
"Yes, everything. Except why she loves Endymion."  
  
"I don't know why anyone would love him." Zoisite couldn't stand the thought of Endymion, much less someone actually loving him. Queen Beryl didn't actually love him, she just wanted him for… fun around the house.  
  
"Neither do I…"mused Wicked Lady. "He's just some idiot in a cheap tux"  
  
The blonde haired woman nodded emphatically, sipping at her latte. "Some rose-throwing idiot in a cheap tux! Do you know how bad those things are for my perfect face? Every time he shows up, I risk a scar!!!"  
  
Kunzite looked less than entertained by the two young women's little chat session, and only rolled his eyes at this latest bit.  
  
"Zoi-chan, maybe if you failed a little less often, you wouldn't get so many roses thrown at you, ne?"  
  
Zoisite pouted, turning to face away from her boyfriend. "Don't be so cold to me!! It's not fair!"  
  
Wicked Lady almost giggled, watching the pair of them. For a general, Zoisite gave off a less-than-military image, with all her pouting, clinging and innocent looks.  
  
"So, who's this Sapphire of yours?" She asked Wicked Lady. "How do you plan to catch him? Believe me, snaring a perfect guy takes a lot of work! And quite a few tries…." She added all this in an undertone.  
  
Wicked Lady blushed a bit. "I..umm, I'm not sure how to snare him yet, but if he has a weakness, I'll find it. Maybe I should just knock off Prisma and brainwash him…"  
  
Kunzite cautioned her against the idea. "Well… if Beryl and Endymion's interesting little conversation was anything to go by, and the, um, topic that they were on about was an after-effect of brainwashing, then it might not be the best idea…."  
  
His girlfriend was snickering, hands to her mouth to try and stifle her laughter, but it wasn't working. She managed to choke out something about stallions before she practically killed herself laughing.  
  
"Weren't you two brainwashed, though?" the pink-haired woman asked. "And Jadeite and Nephrite?"  
  
Zoisite cocked her head. "That's true. Well it must be only Beryl's problem then, 'cuz I can solemnly swear that no way in Jigoku am I getting bad s—"  
  
She was quickly cut off when Kunzite slapped a hand over her mouth rather hastily.  
  
"Zoi-chan, I'm sure Wicked Lady's not interested…"  
  
Wicked Lady laughed at Zoisite's indignation at being shut up so quickly.  
  
"Hmmm……must be an idiot thing, then. What does Beryl see in him?"  
  
She reverted back to their old topic of discussion, but was distracted when a young man who was obviously unsteady on his feet entered the coffee shop.  
  
"Nephrite," Kunzite began, obviously speaking to the newcomer, "getting an espresso to cure your hangover, hmm?"  
  
"Yeah, and I bet he gets a shot of Schnapps put into it, too…" Zoisite said, aside. Instead, Nephrite walked over to the table the three of them shared and seated himself next to Zoisite.  
  
"Zoi-chan," he murmured, running his hands through her hair.  
  
"Na!" She squealed, leaping into Kunzite's lap. "Nephrite, you drunken fool! That's in the past!"  
  
The (obviously drunken) man blinked confusedly.  
  
"No." he answered quite simply,(and stupidly I might add.) " Don't you remember all the fun we had together yesterday?"  
  
" Yesterday?" Zoisite asked, giving a look that clearly said she found it hard to believe something so stupid could actually exist. "*Yesterday! I don't think so, you debauched drunk! I've been through with you for the past century or so!!!!!  
  
Zoë…" The buffoon pleaded, " What about the Jacuzzi, and the strawberries, and the champagne, and the massages, and…."  
  
"*Shut the @#^^&% up; you've been dreaming again,you wine- saturated old drunk!" Zoisite fumed.  
  
"Ah, I see it now…So that's why you've been crying out Zoisite's name in your sleep, eh Nephrite?", Kunzite asked with a very amused look on his face.  
  
"*OK*…." Wicked Lady trailed off, "You guys lead very interesting lives." Nephrite spontaneously cracked up and started howling about some sort of running cheese. He thumped his fist heavily down on the table, causing it to tip over. Wicked Lady was sent toppling over the back of her chair so that all the poor unfortunate people present could see up her dress, of that very moment happened to be when the love of her life, Sapphire entered Starbucks.  
  
"Umm, hello Wicked Lady, is this something you do regularly?" Upon hearing her love's voice she turned redder than a ripe tomato.  
  
"No, no, no, no! It's not what it seems! That horny bastard over there, (points to Nephrite) knocked the table over!!"  
  
" Right…" Sapphire said dazedly, he wasn't quite sure if he could believe her, after all she was wearing a pink thong. His mother had always warned him not to trust people who wore thongs.  
  
"Hey baby…." Nephrite said as he placed his arm around Sapphire's shoulder, "Wasn't last night a blast?!"  
  
Wicked Lady blanched, her love, in a sexual relationship with some drunken, horny, bastard!?!?!?  
  
" Whoa! Do I know you?" Sapphire asked in a very scared voice indeed.  
  
"How could you not, darlin'?" Nephrite queried, his "lover", "After all we've been through?"  
  
" Bouncer!!!" Sapphire called out frantically, "Get him away from me!"  
  
Unfortunately for Sapphire, Starbucks does not have a single bouncer, being seriously lacking in the bouncer department.  
  
" Please, I'll get rid of him, he's too stupid for his own good, it's a blessed miracle he's survived for five minutes!" Kunzite appealed to Sapphire.  
  
"Be my guest." Sapphire replied with a very low bow.  
  
Kunzite proceeded to grab the drunken Nephrite by his ear and toss him out the door.  
  
"Yay, Kunzite-sama has invented a new game; Toss The Drunk!!!" Zoisite squeaked, with excitement.  
  
"Calm yourself, little rat." Kunzite said impatiently.  
  
" Little rat?" Wicked Lady queried, "Why do you call her that, isn't it kinda rude?"  
  
"Contrariwise," Jedite interrupted, he had just appeared there, "It's a term of endearment. But it came from Nephrite calling her a murderous, mean little rat. 'Choo starin' at?" He asked Wicked Lady.  
  
"You." She answered quite plainly.  
  
"oh. Well in that case I am Jedite, brother of Zoisite, son of….Well, to tell you the truth I don't know, and lover of running cheese."  
  
"Where have I heard that before?"  
  
" Heard what before?"  
  
"Running Cheese."  
  
"Oh."  
  
~**~**~  
  
DARK EGO OVERLOAD-CHAPTER 2  
  
Fisheye looked about, startled only slightly at this new location. "Hmmmmm……well, it's more or less like Earth, so there may be some attractive men around! Wai wai!!!" The effeminate young man grinned to himself, squealing happily at the prospect of more bishounen. He dug in his pocket for his three favorite pictures, practically drooling. They were all there, the two white-haired young men, and the black-haired one in armor. But instead of just those three, he found that there were more pictures he had forgotten about. In one, a young man with blue-black eyes and wheat-colored hair quite a few shades lighter than Tiger's Eye's uniformed girl grinned rakishly at him, dressed in a similar uniform, but with red trim. In the next, an equally handsome young man who seemed to be of a more brooding nature was seated at the counter of a bar, staring out at the stars with a wine bottle and a glass before him.  
  
"Oooooohhh…." Fisheye breathed happily, " so cute!!!!" Of course, there was one more….that nice blue haired young man he had seen earlier.  
  
"YAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!! I got extra pictures…!" Fisheye began to do a little dance in the street, since no one was watching. The "dance" consisted of strutting around like a rabid lunatic, turning a few cartwheels and pretending to fling roses about, like his new crush Tuxedo Mask. Then, he continued on, dancing a (very drunken looking) imitation of the Salsa, which would put any Spaniard, even a pretend one like Cape Boy, to shame. As Fisheye stopped his display of disgusting torture, whoops, I meant "happy victorious dancing" he discovered that the streets had suddenly become filled with people, a few of them, the cute men he had discovered earlier in his pocket. (It 's not what it seems like, folks!) Those among the crowd who hadn't been seriously injured by his "enthusiastic" but quite horrible simulation of dancing were all laughing their respective arses off. Blushing, he looked down at the ground, only to discover that he had knocked out two girls and they were now laying unconscious at his feet. One had pink pigtails and odd, poofy things on her head, and the other wore a long, loose golden ponytail. They looked familiar some how….. He shrugged. Probably those two tarts from first street.  
  
Tiger's Eye gaped openly at the pink haired girl sprawled out by Fish Eye's feet. Her legs were sprawled out, and he could see straight up her dress. She wore a bright pink, silky, little-scrap-o'-nothin' thong.  
  
"Yeah, baby…" he said to himself, rather Austin Powers-ishly. He looked at the other girl. He didn't recognize her without the uniform, dimwit that he is, but thought he could place her somewhere. Since this was, more or less, Earth, Zoisite had decided against the uniform and was now dressed in a skirt and tube top, which had practically slid down when she was knocked out by Fish Eye's wild Voodoo dance….  
  
Tiger's Eye drooled…what kind of lingerie was this one wearing? "Boo- yeah!!!! Garter belts and sinful French panties*!!!" The lecher that was Tiger's Eye crowed triumphantly.  
  
"Where? Where!?!" Nephrite demanded. Then, he saw. "Oh, lala! !"  
  
He proceeded to try and rip the two girls' clothing off and run away with it, but a furious Kunzite and Prince Diamond stopped his pathetic attempt at pleasuring himself, and beat him with his own wine bottle.  
  
Fish Eye came sidling up to Nephrite, and wrapped his arms around the auburn-haired man's waist. Drunk as he was, Nephrite couldn't realize, or didn't realize, or simply didn't care, or even liked the idea that Fish Eye was not a woman, and was instead a spastic freak of a man. Maybe he was too drunk. Maybe it was something else entirely. Who knows? But if Molly saw, she would freak. Everyone eyed the pair of them strangely, with the exception of Zoisite and Wicked lady, who were still unconscious and displaying their undergarments to the world.  
  
"Tomorrow we can drive around this town/and let the cops chase us around/the past is gone but something might be found/to take its place!/Hey Jealousy!!!!"  
  
The sound of bad karaoke blasted out from a karaoke bar and into the once- empty, next-crowded, now-empty-again-except-for-the-aforementioned-heroes- of-the-story street. The singer's screeching, altogether too-high-and-flat notes reached the ears of the Two Unconscious, and rudely awakened them. Wicked Lady gasped, and quickly pulled down her skirt. Zoisite didn't give it a thought but jumped up, straightened her skirt and pulled up her top and dashed into the karaoke bar.  
  
Jadeite turned pale.  
  
"What is it?" Catsy asked him, concerned.  
  
"It-it-it-it……….karaoke!" The general finished desperately, latching onto the front of Catsy's shirt and practically bawling. "My sister's weakness!!!!!!! Once she goes into a karaoke bar, you never get her out!"  
  
Here, Kunzite found means to correct Jadeite. "She'll come out…but only if you bribe her."  
  
Tiger's Eye shrugged. "Well, we need to get her out!" He said, very determined.  
  
"Wait, wait, wait." Hawk's Eye interrupted. "What for? We're no longer searching for dream mirrors." Tiger's Eye thought for a moment. "Uh…..because she's cute?" Everyone else shrugged, and they all proceeded into the karaoke bar. Soon Zoisite could be seen on stage, singing her heart out, and the group that had followed her in all sat at a rather large booth (well it had to be to fit all of them) with Wicked Lady snuggling up to Sapphire and Diamond looking very jealous. Kunzite just shook his head, and Nephrite gulped down yet another martini, shaken, not stirred.  
  
Wicked Lady looked up at Sapphire and brought her face closer to kiss him, but was stopped rudely by the screeching voice of Prisma.  
  
"SAPPHIRE-SAMA!!!! How dare you! And with HER!! You said you had no feelings for her!! Why, Sapphire, why?!!" She screamed, stopping Zoisite's singing.  
  
Sapphire looked very nervous at being caught, and he just shrugged at Prisma, making her more mad. Wicked Lady, on the other hand, seemed extremely happy with herself at putting Sapphire in this position, and went on to kiss him, with Prisma standing there, watching, fumes coming out of her head. To Wicked Lady's surprised and pleasure, Sapphire returned the kiss.  
  
"SAPPPPPPPHIRRRRRRRRRRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Prisma screamed, and now everyone was staring at them, and the windows rattled at the sound of her voice. She wrenched her boyfriend away from Wicked Lady (who stood up) and glared at the pink-haired villain in front of her. "You, you, you, YOU!!!!" Prisma screamed. There was no word fitting for someone like Wicked Lady.  
  
"Is this the girlfriend?" Zoisite whispered to Wicked Lady, and she nodded. "Really? What does she have that you don't? And that outfit…" Zoisite commented on Prisma's poor choice in fashion, that was even worse than her usual attire.  
  
"I know. And she blames me for trying to save Sapphire-sama?" Wicked Lady whispered back, forgetting that the person in questions was only a foot away from her. "I should just blast her right here and get it over with, shouldn't I? That way none of us would have to look at her horrible excuses for clothes any more, or that face. She'll give everyone nightmares with that face."  
  
"I'm just glad Kunzite-sama didn't have anyone like this for me to save him from." Zoisite glanced back up at the empty stage. Would this girl just leave, she was messing up Zoisite's singing. Now it was Diamond's turn to get involved he wasn't going to just sit there while Prisma yelled at Wicked Lady, was he? Yeah, actually, he was. He shrugged and settled down to watch. It served Wicked Lady right for making that crack about him and the love of his life (The Moon Brat, in case you've all forgotten) earlier that day.  
  
"Hey baby." Tiger's Eye put an arm around Prisma's shoulders and began staring downward where he shouldn't be staring. Prisma was horrified, and said so. This was not a good day!!  
  
"Get away from me you sicko!! Leave me alone, or I'll call the police!"  
  
"Nah, I like you." Tiger's Eye pushed aside the insults and held tighter to Prisma, still staring down. For once Wicked Lady was glad of Tiger's Eye's presence.  
  
"Get him away from me!!!!" Prisma screamed, jumping away from him.  
  
"Oh, she's a pretty one!" The drunk Nephrite got up and proceeded to walk over to where Prisma stood with Sapphire. Upon seeing Sapphire, he threw his arm around Sapphire's shoulders and drooled. Once again Kunzite came to Sapphire's rescue by grabbing Nephrite by the ear and throwing him rather hard out the door. Nephrite lay in the street talking to himself, imagining that there was a pretty girl next to him, or at least the group HOPED it was a girl he was imagining…  
  
Now Prisma was extremely upset. Not only had Sapphire kissed Wicked lady, but now she found out that he had something going with that bastard!!  
  
"That's it Sapphire, we're done!! I'm just fed up with it all, first Wicked lady, and now this!!" She stood there, expecting something to happen, but nothing did, until her sisters walked in.  
  
"What's that guy doing in the street?" Birdie asked.  
  
"You can ignore him." Wicked Lady said.  
  
"Oh lala, I'm getting really lucky today!" Tiger's Eye whopped loudly and stared at Bertie's outfit. He seemed extremely happy. Avery blushed as she saw Jedite, and grabbed his arm as if they had known each other forever.  
  
"I'm Avery. Your cute, did you know that? I don't have a boyfriend…"  
  
"Get your hands off of him!" Catsy yelled, grabbed Avery away. "I saw him first!"  
  
"Go away Cat!"  
  
"Ahh!! Cat, where? Keep it away from me!!" Fish Eye yelled and jumped in Hawk's Eye's arms, who dropped him rudely on the floor.  
  
"Get a grip Fish! It's not a real cat!" Hawk's Eye shook his head, and saw the love of his life… Beryl, walk in with Endymion at her side, his eyes rather vacant, and him looking rather stupid.  
  
"Oh no, it's her!" Zoisite groaned.  
  
"Zoisite! I'll teach you to talk that way about you Queen!" Beryl yelled, her very large black crystal floating behind her.  
  
"Put a cork in it, Beryl-sama! We're not in the Dark Kingdom right now, you aren't my Queen! And even if we were, I'm fed up with you!" Zoisite yelled back, an ice crystal in her hand.  
  
"You traitor! I'll teach you to talk to me like that! I'll always be your queen, no matter where I am or you are! I'm always the Queen, do you hear me?! Always!"  
  
"Don't talk to Zoi-chan like that!" Wicked Lady yelled, simply using her hand to hit Beryl on the back of the head.  
  
"How dare you! I am Queen Beryl, no one hits me! I am the Queen of the Dark Kingdom!!" Beryl whirled around and yelled at Wicked lady.  
  
"Oh, good for you." Wicked Lady mocked. "Well it just so happens that you can't talk to me like an inferior, I am Wicked Lady, created by Wiseman to be Queen of the Black Moon, and your better!"  
  
"No one is better than me!"  
  
But Wicked Lady had lost interest in Beryl. She was now staring at Evil Prince Endymion, and turning very pale. "Ahh!! It's you, no, you can't be here! You're good, what are you doing here?!!"  
  
"Ah, this is Prince Endymion, champion of the Dark Kingdom." Beryl said proudly. "I brain washed him to be my slave."  
  
"This is creepy!" Wicked Lady screamed, running behind Sapphire and whining. "He can't be here, he's my dad!!"  
  
"Your dad?" Beryl laughed. "So you're the daughter of the Moon Brat? Then what are you doing here?"  
  
"I'm not her daughter! Chibiusa is, not me! I'm her evil counterpart, I took over her body, but I am Wicked lady, not Chibiusa, and I am not the Moon Brat's daughter!!" Wicked Lady wailed. Tiger's Eye took this opportunity to get behind Bertie and start un-zipping her dress, but he was hit by her braid before he could do much damage.  
  
"You pervert!" Bertie screamed, and ran behind a bewildered Prince Diamond for protection, but he walked away from her and was caught by Fish Eye, who had recovered from being dropped on the floor.  
  
"What's going on?" Nephrite asked, coming in. He was holding his head, he had the worst headache! "Why is everyone screaming?" He recognized Wicked lady as the girl who had been laying on the ground with Zoisite and smiled a rather stupid smile. "Oh yeah, now I remember… Zoi-chan, I want another massage…"  
  
"I TOLD YOU THAT WAS MORE THAN A CENTURY AGO, WE'VE BEEN OVER FOR MORE THAN A CENTURY!!!!!" Zoisite screamed at the still drunk Nephrite.  
  
"But, yesterday, we…"  
  
"There was no yesterday!!!!!!" Zoisite screamed.  
  
"Sapphire-sama, get him away from me!!" Prisma screamed, she was cornered by Tiger's Eye. "Sapphire-sama, help!!" "But you two are over. You said so yourself. Sapphire-sama is my boyfriend now!!" Wicked Lady smirked. She turned to see Zoisite repeatedly hitting Nephrite, making his headache worse.  
  
"Maybe I can knock some sense into you!!" She yelled, and had to be pulled away from Nephrite by Kunzite.  
  
"Endymion, do something!" Beryl yelled as Hawk's Eye came up and started hitting on her. Endymion took out a rose and Zoisite immediately started screaming. She jumped into Kunzite's arms and her screams filled the whole street.  
  
"No, not the roses, get it away!! Make it go away, Kunzite-sama!!"  
  
Hawk's Eye was startled by the screams and Beryl managed to get away, and then the police came in.  
  
"Is there a problem here?" One of them asked, raising his eye brows at the strange scene that was spread out before him. A chorus of voices hit his ears in a deafening roar.  
  
"He's drunk!"  
  
"She tried to hit me!"  
  
"He can't be here!"  
  
"She's crazy!"  
  
"She stole my boyfriend!"  
  
"You broke up with him!"  
  
"I want a latte!"  
  
"So do I!"  
  
"I want a massage!"  
  
"Get him away from me!"  
  
"Please Zoë!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"You did it yesterday!"  
  
"There was no yesterday!"  
  
"I'm the Queen, she's a traitor, take her away!"  
  
The poor police men just stood there as the voices continued. When the yelling was done, Zoisite announced,  
  
"I want a latte. C'mon Kunzite-sama. Wanna come Wicked Lady-chan?"  
  
"Yeah, I really need a latte to calm myself down. As long as the drunk doesn't come. C'mon Sapphire-sama, let's go before he follows." The four walked out, Kunzite and Sapphire being dragged.  
  
"Wicked Lady, get back here!" Diamond shouted, but she was gone. Fish Eye latched himself onto Diamond's arm and soon they were gone, and Nephrite sat down and ordered another martini while hitting on the waitress. Tiger's Eye wandered out with his arms around Prisma and Bertie, much to their displeasure, and Jedite was pulled out by Catsy and Avery, who both had different ideas of what they wanted to do, and poor Jedite ended up in the middle of a tug-of-war contest between them. Nephrite sat alone at the table, complaining.  
  
"I want a massage, I want… I want another martini! Hey you, pretty waitress girl, I want another martini! Gimme one!" He yelled as the waitress walked by him and he attempted to grab another martini which she was carrying, and continued to spill the entire tray of martinis.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Later that night, the entire group once again met up and realized that they didn't have a house. What were they going to do? (In Nephrite's case, they didn't have a martini either.)  
  
"We need a house!" Zoisite whined. When everyone looked at her, she became serious. "What? We need a house. It's night."  
  
Diamond pointed at Wicked Lady. "You lived in the human world! What do we do now?!"  
  
"I don't know! I was a little girl!"  
  
To make matters worse, it began to rain, very hard. The group ran to the nearest cover, screaming about their ruined hair.  
  
"Now we really need a house." Zoisite stated.  
  
"Do you need a house?" A salesman popped up out of nowhere. "Is it raining on you really hard? Then call, 1-800-Running-Cheese today!"  
  
Sweatdrops appeared by everyone's head.  
  
"Ok, listen, I'll make you a deal. I have a house for sale, but it'll cost you." The salesman said.  
  
"Listen!" Wicked Lady grabbed the salesman's neck and yelled. "I need a house right now! I'm wet, cold, and I want a latte!!"  
  
~*~*~  
  
They all sat around in their new ranch-style house, trying to figure out what to do. They had already decorated and fought over who got what room, and the Master Bedroom was a big problem. They had ended up turning it into a torture chamber to torture poor people who got in their way and made them mad.(And sado-masochism chamber, but I digress…^_^) Nephrite got the attic, and they all voted that Beryl and Endymion should have the basement, so they could lock them down there and get rid of them. The other rooms were divided between the rest. Now they sat around the table. What to do now?  
  
"If we're going to pose as humans, we need jobs." Kunzite pointed out.  
  
"Jobs? Why?" Jedite asked, and Avery and Catsy both latched themselves to his arms, singing,  
  
"Oh, your soo smart Jedite-chan!" Jedite rolled his eyes and tried to get his arms back from the two girls. He failed.  
  
"I don't wanna work!" Wicked Lady stated, and Zoisite was quick to agree.  
  
"Then people will assume you're house wives." Kunzite stated.  
  
"Ok, I'll work!" Wicked Lady said very quickly. "Only part time though."  
  
"Lets see, what should my job be?" Nephrite mumbled. He was drunk again. He was already under the identity of the Tokyo multi-millionaire Sanjouin Masato, but that had somehow slipped his mind in his drunken state.  
  
Zoisite grinned evilly. "Kunzite-sama, you should be an underwear model!"  
  
"No." He stated very flatly, refusing any arguments that she held in favor of his becoming the aforementioned underwear model.  
  
"Hai!" Wicked Lady agreed. "You should to, Sapphire-sama!" She squealed, grabbing Sapphire's arm. "Oh, you would be soo kawaii!"  
  
"No." He also replied flatly, and he and Kunzite looked at each other. "I will not be an underwear model."  
  
"Nor will I." Kunzite stated. (Note: Oh how easily their minds are changed…)  
  
"Oh, Kunzite-sama, please!!" Zoisite pleaded, batting her eyes.  
  
"No." He said again. "There is no way in earth, heaven, or the mighty realm of jigoku that Sapphire or I will become underwear models."  
  
Wicked Lady and Zoisite grinned at each other.  
  
Nephrite, however, was quite prone to the idea. "I will." He offered.  
  
"No!" came the reply from everyone around the table.  
  
"Yes, I think I will." Nephrite nodded to himself.  
  
"Well you better, cause no one else will." Sapphire shook his head. He and Kunzite looked at each other.  
  
"We're never going to become underwear models." They said together, firmly. There was no force that could change their minds. Well, there was one…  
  
~**~**~  
  
Dark Ego Overload: Chapter Three  
  
"How the hell did we become underwear models?" Sapphire moaned the next day. He and Kunzite remembered the night before…  
  
"Oh yeah." They mumbled. "That's how."  
  
"Ohaiyougozaimasu!" Two young women bounced into the photography room (And there is no other word for such exuberant movement, save for bounced.) "Are you ready for the photo shoot?"  
  
The two men-I mean victims-I mean men just looked blankly at the photographers.  
  
"Zoisite! Wicked Lady! Since when does either of you know what a camera even is, much less how to work one?!?" Kunzite demanded.  
  
"Well, I was the Moon Brat's kid, and I did live on Earth. I've always known how to work one!" Wicked Lady announced triumphantly.  
  
"And she told me how to do this!" Zoisite added.  
  
"Yeah…I can see that happening…" Sapphire said slowly. "But, how did you manage to learn how to do this professionally?"  
  
"Well…uh…we…um…" Wicked Lady broke off sheepishly.  
  
"See, what we did was..uh….we slept with the photographers and they taught us how!!!" Zoisite wailed. "Don't be mad!!!"  
  
Both of their victims stared at them, agog, aghast and thoroughly disgusted.  
  
"You did what!?!" Kunzite yelled.  
  
The two girls slapped each other a high-five. "Gotcha!"  
  
"We never slept with any photographer," Zoisite said petulantly, hurt that her Kunzite-sama would be so quick to believe something like this about her.  
  
"Yes, what are we, cheap whores?" Wicked Lady demanded of the faithless two.  
  
"Actually, we just learned really quickly!"  
  
"Yeah, the heightened knowledge that comes with being evil, you know?"  
  
This didn't help at all. Kunzite and Sapphire were still underwear models, and Zoisite and Wicked Lady were still the photographers.  
  
"I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready!" Nephrite announced, sounding like Sponge Bob Square Pants. "The camera loves me!"  
  
Wicked Lady screamed and Zoisite grabbed Kunzite's cape (which he still wore) in an attempt to hide herself.  
  
"Oh, look, pretty girls!!" Nephrite yelled as he spotted them.  
  
"Lay a hand on them and we'll play Toss the Drunk again!" Kunzite threatened. This seemed to disappoint Nephrite and he fell to the floor in a drunken stupor.  
  
"I've never seen him look this good, or this stupid!" Wicked Lady said, and Sapphire glared at her. "Of course, he could NEVER look as good at you, Sapphire-sama."  
  
"Oh, I've seen him look a whole lot better than he does right now…" Zoisite stopped as Kunzite glared at her. "Hee hee hee…nevermind."  
  
(Yes, that's supposed to be all one word!)  
  
~*~*~  
  
Sapphire lay on his back, breathing heavily. "Omigod….Wicked Lady…I never knew you had it in you. That was the hardest I have ever had it!"  
  
She grinned impishly at him.  
  
"Well…y'know, you had it coming! When you agreed to do this, you knew full well what you were in for, especially with…what you're wearing…"  
  
"I wasn't even aware you knew that many positions!" He complained. "How was I supposed to keep up? Besides, I never agreed to this; you forced me!"  
  
"When?"  
  
"LAST NIGHT!!!!!"  
  
Wicked Lady pouted. "Sapphire-sama, you're just being, well, a wimp! Those positions weren't that hard."  
  
"Yes, but still…"  
  
"Dammit, Sapphire!!! You're an underwear model, you need to show off the underwear!!! So, naturally, I put you in all those poses so people could see what the damn undies looked like!! Jeez! Men today…" She muttered to herself.  
  
Sapphire continued to whine. "Yeah, but still…I thought I would just be standing here while you and your maniac friend took a few snapshots and then left us both, so we could finally realize what life is like without two escaped asylum inmates!!! Instead, I find myself standing here with all sort of props for six freakin' hours while you two baka take a million pictures!" He finally collapsed from exhaustion after his tirade.  
  
"Wow…" Nephrite giggled drunkenly. "That sounded naughty, Sapphire!"  
  
Wicked Lady went over to a corner and began to pout.  
  
"You're stealing my trademark." Zoisite remarked, "But I forgive you. Sapphire was being a jerk."  
  
"It's alright Sapphire, she won't stay like that for long if you ignore her, then she'll just complain, which isn't much better." Kunzite reassured Sapphire, who was unconscious, but it's the thought that counts, right?  
  
Nephrite walked over to Sapphire's prone figure, "Are you dead, are you dead, are you dead, are you dead, are you dead, are you dead, are you dead, are you dead, ARE YOU DEAD ????!!!??" he pestered Sapphire, while poking him violently.  
  
"If he was dead he wouldn't be able to answer you." Kunzite ventured icily.  
  
"Sure he would." Nephrite explained in his drunken state, "He loves me."  
  
"I what?! I do not love you!!" Sapphire bellowed, steam rising from his head.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Meanwhile, back at the ranch(It's just an expression people.) Jedite was trying valiantly to figure out what he was going to do for a job.(He felt slightly hurt because no one asked him to be an underwear model.)  
  
Avery sidled up to him, "You should model in Play Girl."  
  
"Wazzat?" he asked  
  
"You know…Play Girl"  
  
"Oooh. I dunno, that's public."(He felt flattered but a teensy bit frightened about the prospect of modeling for Play Girl.)  
  
"I think I want to teach. Sex Ed., at an all girls school, would they let a man teach at an all girls school?"  
  
"Noooo, you can't, Jeddy!" Catsy whined, "Just do the Play Girl thing."  
  
"I don't think so. Besides, it's the same thing." Jedite replied.  
  
"Hmmm, you're right." Avery said reluctantly.  
  
"I think I'll just be unemployed for now, except, I don't want to be jobless. I could work at MC Donald's, except it makes me sick… too greasy… I know! I'll ask Zoisite!!!"  
  
Zoisite, Kunzite, Wicked Lady, Sapphire, and Nephrite walked in the door(actually, Nephrite staggered and fell flat on his arse.)  
  
"Zoisite you have to help me!!! I need a job!" Jedite pleaded, he flattened himself in front of her, kissing her feet,.  
  
"Um, Jeddy chan, please stop kissing my feet, you're my brother. I don't know what you're going to do, you don't really show any qualifications for any jobs. Except, maybe a car sales man, you're good at lying to people."  
  
"I hate cars." Jedite said plainly.  
  
"You could always teach martial arts." Wicked Lady suggested.  
  
Jedite liked that idea, he could kill someone and make it look like an accident .  
  
"I could do that." Jedite said, "Thanks Wicked Lady."  
  
"No problem."  
  
~*~*~  
  
After two days of his new job, Jedite was fired, and banned from the building. He came home upset, and Avery and Catsy grabbed his arms and began pulling him different ways, in order to comfort him. Of course, this method didn't work, and they started to yell at each other when Jedite walked away from them.  
  
"Hey, I know, you could be an air traffic controller." Nephrite suggested, after watching a movie about that. Everyone else stared blankly at the drunk Nephrite on the couch.  
  
"Are you crazy? Jedite almost got run over by a plane." Zoisite pointed out. Jedite didn't want to be reminded, and he sulked at the table.  
  
"Oh…" Nephrite mumbled. After a few minutes, he looked up at the group rather stupidly and said, "I want another massage Zoi-chan… Like yesterday…"  
  
"THERE WAS NO YESTERDAY, YOU DRUNK!!!" Zoisite screamed, grabbing Kunzite's cape. Wicked lady was still mad at Sapphire, so instead of telling him to hit Nephrite, she did it herself.  
  
"Hey, that hurt!" Nephrite grinned despite himself.  
  
Jedite looked up at Nephrite's remark, and shook his head. "Ok, I'll go along with Nephrite's idea… I worked with planes once…"  
  
"And almost got run over by them!" Zoisite yelled. How stupid could her brother be?  
  
"Oh, your so brave Jeddy!!" Avery squealed, clapping her hands, a little too excited. Jedite rolled his eyes and sighed.  
  
"I still want a massage…" Nephrite mumbled, more to himself than anyone else. He closed his eyes and fell back on the couch, hitting his head, again. The group sat around the table.  
  
Beryl and Endymion emerged from the basement at the sound of Nephrite howling, doing a bad impression of a wolf.  
  
"What is that AWFUL noise?!" Beryl yelled, covering her ears as the howling got louder. (Zoi-chan's comments: You should talk. No, you shouldn't, it'll sound worse.) Kunzite had the answer. He grabbed Nephrite by the ear, and threw him out the door.  
  
"Toss the Drunk!" Zoisite clapped happily as Nephrite was removed from the room.  
  
"That's better." Beryl commented.  
  
"I would have done it for you." Hawk's Eye jumped up and walked over to Beryl, still wearing that horrible purple-snake print safari outfit.  
  
"Get him away from me!" Beryl yelled. The group settled down to eat, leaving Beryl to deal with Hawk's Eye alone.  
  
Just then, Tuxedo Mask appeared from the shadows, holding a rose. "Like a flat pepsi that no body wants to drink, I am Tuxedo Mask! …"  
  
Wicked Lady sat, horrified, flashing back to every time she had to listen to one of his corny speeches. Finally, she couldn't take it anymore. "Would you shut up already!!"  
  
Tuxedo Mask's speech stopped, much to everyone's relief, including Queen Beryl's. (We really need to work on your speeches…)  
  
Tuxedo Mask threw a rose at Hawk's Eye and Wicked Lady. The rose missed Wicked lady entirely, and went at Zoisite instead, who began screaming, and had to be moved by Kunzite grabbing her out of the way at the last second. She sat on the floor wailing about how horrible it was, and Tuxedo Mask went very red when his rose missed his target. He threw another, and another, and another, but none of them even went close to Wicked Lady. They all landed harmlessly in the carpet, Zoisite wailing even more every time a rose was thrown. Finally, Cape Boy threw his last rose of the day, and it began to follow Zoisite around the room as she ran around shrieking.  
  
"Kunzite-sama, make it stop!!!" She screamed as she tripped, and the rose made a dive at her. Right in time, Kunzite took the hedge clippers (which he just happened to have with him at the moment) and cut the rose in half, saving Zoisite. Nephrite walked back into the room and fell into Tuxedo Mask's arms, who looked very bewildered, and Beryl started screaming at him to drop the drunk. Endymion blinked and dropped Nephrite, who started howling about Running Cheese. Kunzite got up, but Diamond stopped him.  
  
"Leave him, he'll shut up in a minute."  
  
"You don't know Nephrite." Kunzite muttered. When Nephrite still wouldn't shut up, Kunzite and Sapphire had to drag him up to his attic bed room and lock him in to get rid of him, because Toss the Drunk wasn't working. While Sapphire and Kunzite were gone, and with Wicked lady mad at Sapphire, Diamond decided to take his chances. He slid next to Wicked Lady (she pretended not to notice) and slowly put his arm around her waist, a *bit* low. When he had seceded in this and Wicked Lady hadn't protested, he became more confident. Pulling her closer to him, he tried to kiss her (his third eye appeared), but he failed when Wicked Lady cried out,  
  
"SAPPHIRE-SAMA!! Get him away from me!!" At that moment, Sapphire and Kunzite happened to come back into the room, and Diamond found himself pulled away from Wicked Lady by his younger brother. Sapphire dropped Diamond and went over to Wicked Lady who was standing by the wall. She put her arms around his neck and clung there, with Sapphire's arm around her waist. She made herself look frightened and defenseless as she told Sapphire what happened.  
  
"He just came up next to me, and before I knew what way happening, his arm was around my waist and he was trying to kiss me, and he was using his third eye…" Wicked Lady stopped and pouted. Zoisite stood with Kunzite, taking her friend's side in this battle.  
  
"That pervert, I saw the whole thing!" Zoisite pointed at the bewildered and taken aback Diamond.  
  
Hawk's Eye used this chance to get next to Beryl, and Tiger's Eye slipped in next to Prisma and Bertie, and Avery and Catsy grabbed "Jeddy's" arms. Fish Eye started petting Diamond's hair and saying,  
  
"It's ok, I'm here, you don't need them…" Diamond jumped up and backed up to the other side of the room at this point. No one petted him, that was going WAY to far. All of a sudden Beryl screeched and jumped up, backing away from Hawk's Eye, and Tiger's Eye's hands slipped a little to low, making both Prisma and Bertie scream and hit him on the head to get away. Avery and Catsy both tried to bury their heads in Jedite's shirt and knocked their heads together, falling backward and crying out. Pandemonium broke out, everyone screaming and yelling, and some running around (like Beryl being chased by Hawk's Eye and Endymion running after them), Wicked Lady screaming at Diamond, still hugging Sapphire, and Zoisite using her ice crystal to blast Endymion, with Beryl yelling at her and Kunzite asking her to stop because she was going to freeze the whole house. Jedite turned on the theme song to American Pie again (and started doing some pathetic dance that no one wanted to see) and Nephrite could still be heard howling about Running Cheese from his room.  
  
~*~*~  
  
When everything was FINALLY calm again, Diamond had to go to his room because of serious "injury", with Fish Eye following him. (I'll take care of you!) The Four Sisters all went to their room for various reasons, and Prisma and Bertie made sure to lock the door behind them. Nephrite made it out of his room, more sober now, and actually sat on the couch like a normal person and didn't act all that stupid. Queen Beryl flipped her hair behind her shoulders (trying to look dignified but not doing very well) and marched down to her basement bedroom, locked Endymion out. Hawk's Eye, figuring that the Elusive Queen Beryl would be un-catchable for a little while went to his room and started planning a better way to catch her. Endymion decided to go wander around town (why he wanted to at this hour no one wanted to know) and nephrite stumbled to the table and pulled out a deck of cards.  
  
The four generals, Wicked Lady and Sapphire, and Tiger's Eye all sat also, and Tiger's Eye burst out,  
  
"Yeah, what are you wearing today, my pretties? Lets take a look! Oh yeah!" Wicked lady hit him on the back of his head with her pink umbrella and he went forward, hitting his forehead hard on the table. His hand went out and brushed a little to high on Zoisite's leg, and she screamed,  
  
"Na!" She jumped into Kunzite's lap. "YOU can't play!!!"  
  
"Whatcha gunna do about it?" Tiger's Eye mocked.  
  
"You just can't!" Zoisite insisted. "I won't let you!"  
  
"Whatcha gunna do about it?" Tiger's Eye asked again.  
  
"Kunzite-sama, he can't play!" Zoisite whined. She put up such a fuss that Kunzite whispered something in her ear and she quickly shut up. She slid quietly off Kunzite's lap and smiled happily. Jedite took the deck of cards and dealt them, and the group started the game.  
  
Suddenly, there was a bright white light, which Jedite immediately started running for, hoping to escape Catsy and Avery for once and for all. "Don't go towards the light!!!" Nephrite started to howl drunkenly. "NOOOOO!!! Jedite! Come back, or you'll diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! My god, man!! Do ye not know? This is …..THE LIGHT!!! Once a man goes forth into the light, HE NEVER RETURNETH!!!!!" He collapsed in a drunken fit, and left Jedite running about, blinded by the light, whacking into walls and chairs and fellow generals and other such things… Finally, when the not-so- otherworldly light died down, an all too familiar shape stood where the glow had once been. It was short. Nerdy. And it had glasses big enough so that when the wearer of ye olde aforementioned glasses looked on a map, the little tiny Americans waved at him from across the seas!!! Yes!!!!! It was……………………………..MELVIN. (insert loud GASP! Here) This was enough to change everyone's minds from playing strip poker to lazing about "nonchalantly" and talking about the most innocent subject they knew: Exploiting and ruining others. Just your average, all-evil everyday table talk. Needless to say, little pansy-boy panicked and ran out of the room. Molly (Who had also somehow arrived along with Melvin) immediately glomped onto Melvin and squeezed him tight enough to cut off the circulation. Nephrite, piss drunk as all Hell, still couldn't fail to notice this.  
  
"Die you cheating little bitch!!!!! Cheat me with Snail Boy, will ya? Go towards the light!! Go!! GO!!! Hyah!" With one huge karate kick, he snapped her neck. There was much rejoicing. (Everyone's comments: yaaaay) Melvin said nothing, but slipped out of the room, and went in search of a snail.  
  
~**~**~  
  
Dark Ego Overload-Chapter Four  
  
"I promised you." Kunzite told Zoisite very quietly, as everyone else was still hanging around at the poker table, even though the cards had been put away.  
  
"Yes, you did…..and you're bound to that oath!" Zoisite cried triumphantly. "let's leave all of them." She nodded towards Sapphire, Wicked Lady, Avery, Prisma, Tiger's Eye and Jadeite. Avery was glomping herself onto Jedite and squealing so loud that she broke a few windows. Jedite was trying in vain to get away, and calling out to the Running Cheese to save him, before finally making some excuse about a bright light to make her let go.  
  
Kunzite cast a look over them all, and agreed.  
  
"We'll have to. They're all….well, insane."  
  
Zoisite hit him over the head lightly. "Na! Wicked Lady-chan is my friend!"  
  
"Okay, maybe not her….but the others….anyway, let's go somewhere more private."  
  
Zoisite practically swooned as he swept her up into his arms and carried her from the room. However, she did not realize that Tiger's Eye was getting a good view of up her skirt….  
  
Melvin was wandering aimlessly down the halls of the huge place, wondering how he had gotten there, why he was put there, and if Running Cheese had anything to do with this. Running Cheese. How's that for omnipotent!!!?!?!?!  
  
Suddenly, he saw a flash of white, and, thinking it might be the light that brought him to this god awful place, (white light courtesy of Evil Flashbulbs Inc,) proceeded to open the door and walk into the room.  
  
Oh, and what a sight met that little nerd's eyes…..  
  
The girl with the blonde hair that he'd seen earlier, the one from the graveyard, was lying on a bed next to the man with the long platinum hair, and she was wearing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING EXCEPT FOR A WHITE LACE TEDDY as she passionately kissed her lover. Melvin grinned, and whipped out his camera. This was even better than the photos of Ms. Haruna at the gym!!!!!  
  
Unfortunately, the flashbulb alerted the occupants of the room as to his presence, and Melvin barely had time to think before dodging an endless amount of Dark Energy, and quite a few dangerous-looking ice crystals, all of which seemed to be aimed at a precise area of his person.  
  
"Ahh!!!!!!!" He screamed, running out of the room and seeing the ice crystals hit the door. His scream alerted the others who were still awake (which happened to be everyone still in the house (did you notice that Endymion hasn't come back yet?)) and they all ran to see what was wrong. Fish Eye threw open the door and cheered loudly, along with Tiger's Eye, and ran into the room. They were greeted by a rein of ice crystals and dark energy, and fell to the floor. (No one was too worried about them.) Nephrite, who had been a little slow taking in what he saw, started yelling  
  
"Zoi-chan, you said you'd only wear that for me when you were giving me massages!!!"  
  
"You idiot, you've NEVER seen me in this, and I've never given you a massage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Zoisite screamed. (She now had covered herself with a sheet.)  
  
"But, yesterday, you…"  
  
"THERE WAS NO YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Zoisite screamed, throwing a lamp at Nephrite's head. (It was the closest thing to her hand at the moment that would hurt him.) Nephrite wasn't fast enough, and the lamp hit him on the head. He fell to the floor with the two others.  
  
" What are all you still doing here!?!" Zoisite shrieked, "Can't you see we're in the middle of something PRIVATE !?!?!!!"  
  
Everyone turned around and started whistling innocently, as though they hadn't seen anything. That was when Kunzite finally realized, amid all the excitement and yelling, that the people were staring at him, not just Zoisite. He turned pink and slammed the door. "My God! You're all such hentai!" He yelled after all the villains retreating from the vicinity of the room.  
  
"Hentai…..that sounds good to me," Zoisite insinuated with a seductive smile on their face. (I leave the story here because this is not a lemon, it only has a tad of lemony flavouring!)  
  
~**~**~  
  
Dark Ego Overload: Chapter Five  
  
Endymion, meanwhile, was wandering aimlessly through the streets of Tokyo. Why was he wandering aimlessly, you may ask? Well, for one thing, he had NO AIM whatsoever. It's a bit hard to wander aimlessly if you actually have an aim, you realize. And Endymion had no aim. Well, unless you count picking up on all the girls he could find. And there was still a fair amount of decent or semi-decent girls out there, too…  
  
The creepy, lecherous Evil Prince leaned over towards one wearing very figure-flattering sandblasted flares and halter top, and said in what he thought was an alluring, sultry voice:  
  
"So, y' lookin' for a good time, babe?"  
  
The poor, innocent, harassed girl pulled away from him in horror.  
  
"What the heck are you playing at, pervert?" She asked in horror.  
  
"Well, uh, aren't you some type of ho?"  
  
"No I'm not!!" She screamed, once again, in horror at the fat man in the bathtub.  
  
"Well, why are you dressed like that then?"  
  
"Because!! It's HOT OUT tonight, you flaming retard!! Or didja not notice that when it over-cooked the brains that you never had??"  
  
The Evil Prince blushed and shuffled off, calling out a hasty:  
  
"oops! Sorry about that! But, in case you're still interested, here's my address and phone number!"  
  
Quickly, he scribbled the "precious" 411 down on the poor girl's forehead (lest she forget him) and ran down the street proclaiming himself to be a Lizard King or some rot like that.  
  
At long last, he picked up a girl. But it was too dark to tell that she was as ugly as a popcorn kernel on the secret tomato of a magickal elbow. So there. Sucks for him. (And for the girl, who wasn't really that ugly, but it was too dark too tell, and Endy had been at the mushrooms again, so he was kinda potted, and thought that she was as ugly as a popcorn kernel on the secret tomato of a magickal elbow when he woke up the next morning. Hahaha to him.)  
  
~*~*~  
  
While Endymion was off amusing himself with someone else's spiritual kneecap's hideous cucumber's acorn (or something like that) everyone else was sitting around. Bored. Practically to tears. The only sound was a few scattered villains all brushing their hair in unison. It was really kinda pathetic, when you stop to think about it.  
  
Suddenly, Nephrite, being a really random person, sat up and yelled :  
  
"Legolas is cute! Like a plant!"  
  
Naturally, all the females and Fish Eye, who was, as always, something else altogether, became very interested. Hey, if he had a cool name and was cute like a plant, he was alright with them.  
  
"Brave and noble Nephrite, of whom the bards still sing extensive tales, canst thou tell us, O noble one, who is this Legolas of which thou speakest?" Avery inquired in a very Shakespearean way, leaving Jadeite in tears, because he was an impressionable man with an inferiority complex, who thought that she didn't love him anymore because she was asking about some Legolas guy, and he couldn't find his lucky tightie-whities, and life was just hell, and boohoo and other CRAP.  
  
"Sweet and gentle, maid, if it were to be so, I wouldst that I could speak extensively of this Legolas whom thou seemest to loveth so greatly. But alas! And alack! Such things cannot, nae, mayn't be in this cruel time and place, so thy sweet young ears must content their shell-like selves with this statement: I went and saw Lord of the Rings, honey. Why doncha get off your lazy arse and go do that?"  
  
Avery, and the rest of the female cast of this fic, decided it would only be the right thing to do, to go entertain themselves like the snobby bitches they were, and just leave the menfolk behind to watch the paint dry.  
  
"D'you know what all we women should do?" Queen Beryl asked. The others merely shook their well-coiffed heads.  
  
"We should go to entertain ourselves, like the snobby bitches we are, and just leave the menfolk behind to watch the paint dry!"  
  
"Yes! It would only be the right thing to do."Wicked Lady agreed.  
  
"And I heard there was this really great movie called the Lord of the Rings that has some cute guy in it!!" squealed Birdy. The others all looked at her and sighed, before they all nearly suffocated under the weight of their collective sweatdrops.  
  
"So! We go see Lord of the Rings, then!" Wicked Lady declared.  
  
  
  
~**~**~  
  
Dark Ego Overload-Chapter Six  
  
(Did anyone besides me notice that the pervious chapter was very short? And therefore I must wonder, should it really be called a chapter, or not? And if not, then this chapter should actually be called 'Dark Ego Overload- Chapter Five, not Chapter Six' and the next chapter would be called 'Dark Ego Overload-Chapter Six, not Chapter Seven' ect. ect. and so on and so forth. But since I'm probably confusing you, and there is really no point to this and it doesn't really need to be said, I shall shuteth my mouth and we shall return to this slightly lemon flavor fan fiction about the villains from Sailor Moon (only the ones we like, naturally, because we didn't want to write about the ones we didn't like (even tho we did some of them anyway) because we just didn't so there) that we like to call Dark Ego Overload. And the story behind the name I shall tell to you at a later date as I am sure you are all wondering what is going to happen next!! ^.~)  
  
Queen Beryl stood before the concession stand (thankfully, dressed in normal clothing) pondering the varieties of candy that lay before her and all her companions. Chocolate…chocolate…chocolate…more chocolate…and then, God be praised! And hallelujah! She saw…..CARMELS!!!!!!! Immediately, the Queen of the Dark Kingdom, not one to show weakness, began to drool. Right there. All because of a few carmels. Zoisite had to put up with looks from her fellow villainesses that plainly said:  
  
"*This* is your all-powerful and much-feared Queen?"  
  
"Hey!" she protested, "I just put up with her, okay? It's not like she's like this all the time…she can get really scary and freaky-deaky…I never knew she had this obsession with the freakin' CARMELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she shrieked angrily.  
  
Queen Beryl was oblivious to the rather obvious distress of her least favourite general, and proceeded to buy heaps and heaps and heaps of caramels, thus, scaring the poor teenage guy who worked at the cash register. He was so startled he could barely squeak out "D'you want fries with that?" in the accent that no one on this Earth has, that all drive- thru workers seem to possess solely for the purpose of annoying the customers with a not-so-talented use of a Martian brogue, before remembering that he had been fired from his job at McDonald's. Sucks for him too. Hehehehehehehehehe…..  
  
All the female villains sat in the darkness of the movie house, sighing over Frodo's baby-blues, and Aragorn's ruggedness.  
  
"It's..not…fair!!!" Wicked Lady wailed, getting strange looks from the other moviegoers. "I want them here!!!" She twirled one of her long ponytails intently, trying to memorize every little lilt of Pippin's adorable Irish(?) accent.  
  
But, the best was yet to come.  
  
After sitting patiently through the part where Frodo gets hacked by one of the Nazgul, and enduring many vicious blows to the head as every single villainess tried to filch some of Queen Beryl's caramels, they were practically blinded when they first saw HIM. A God. Long, blond hair; pointed Elfin ears, expressive dark eyes, and an absolutely gorgeous mouth. It had to be Legolas. The one Nephrite was on about when he was in a drunken fit. As they all sat in kind of a blissful stupor, Wicked Lady noticed a sort of…slithering…sound. She looked down, and saw that Zoisite had actually swooned, sinking to the floor with an expression of perfect love and perfect trust. But she hadn't cast her circle yet…No!!! I mean…  
  
She looked down, and saw that Zoisite had actually swooned, sinking to the floor with an expression of absolute romantic bliss on her face, fooling a few of the dimmer people in the audience into thinking that the pretty young woman had actually "Died and gone to Heaven."  
  
As this is the kind of duty that only someone's very best friend would perform, Wicked Lady hauled Zoisite up by the considerable amount of perfect hair in that ponytail of hers, and unceremoniously poured about ½ of an extra-large Pepsi over her head, effectively waking her up. Also making her scream. They got through the rest of the movie without anything out of the ordinary happening,(except that they weren't from Earth, and didn't know how to behave in a theatre, and, consequently, would often talk loudly to each other about how kawaaaaiiii!!! (direct quote from all of them the men in the movie were. Yeek!!) and were actually able to leave the theatre at the end of the movie, because, by some miracle (the ushers were deaf from the shrieking) they didn't get kicked out. All was well for the ladies of the evil universe, except that Queen Beryl walked outta there with about ¾ of the candy counter with her, and refused to share.  
  
~**~**~  
  
Dark Ego Overload: Chapter Seven  
  
Jadeite was bored. REEEEAAAAAALLLLLY bored. So bored, in fact, that he almost wished the women would come back, and that Catsy and Avery would once again try to strangle him to death in their embrace. This thought disturbed him only slightly. He was too bored to be even properly disturbed. "This really sucks," he moaned in a bored way, looking around the room, his gaze lingering on Hawk's Eye's crazy purple snake print culottes for a minute, (They just draw the eye away from anything else). "I almost wish that the women would come back!!!" There was no sound in the room, except for Kunzite more or less patiently trying to somehow explain to Nephrite that, no, his (Nephrite's) father wasn't going to stop him (Nephrite) from singing and marry him off to a fat ugly chick called Princess Lucky, whose only redeeming quality was the fact that she had huge "tracts o' land", but have the wedding stopped because Sir Lancelet came in and killed, severely wounded, or traumatized everyone there.  
  
"You know, Nephrite, maybe it's not such a good idea for you to watch twenty-nine straight hours of "Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail." The elder of the kings mused thoughtfully, as thoughtfully as one can muse when the Nephrite sitting beside you is hitting you on the head with a herring.  
  
"Shut up, you English pigdog!" Nephrite howled in a bad French accent. "I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! Be off with you, you English Knnnnnnnnnnnnnnniggits!" Kunzite was actually rather disturbed by this latest outburst, but wisely chose not to say anything, and removed the herring from the drunk's hands.  
  
He echoed what Jadeite had said only a moment ago.  
  
"I really wish the women were back here."  
  
Certain people whose name is not Jadeite have this talent for getting what they want. As soon as he had said that, the doorknob turned, and all the women burst into the house. Queen Beryl was holding piles and piles and piles of caramels, and all the others were jumping up and swatting at them, trying to get them as the Queen (who was practically 7 ft. tall) held them above her head. Zoisite was drenched in what looked like Pepsi, and had this dreamy expression on her face that told all the men only one thing: She must be stoned off her ass. Wicked lady was babbling on and on, going:  
  
"Yeah! And then did you see Gandalf! Ooooh! He was so cool! Like when he did that one thing, and then the other guy did that one thing, and then he did that one thing again, and then he used that magick, and said those one lines, and----" well, whatever she was saying, it didn't make too much sense.  
  
All the men present immediately decided NOT to ask what they had been doing for the past few hours, because it looked like they might not want to know.  
  
"We are not those type of girls, you perverts!" Prisma yelled angrily.  
  
"There was no such action going on!!!"  
  
"No! Not THAT type of action," Tiger's Eye hastily explained. "We just don't wanna know what crazy stuff you nutters have been up to."  
  
"Oh…okay then!" Prisma chirped brightly, earning odd looks from all the other villains.  
  
Queen beryl scuttled off to secure her stash of caramels from the other members of the household, viciously guarding the candy with a terrifying supply of aerosol Easy Cheese.  
  
Silently, silently, the one called Endymion crept back into the house. Mostly everyone was trying to get at Beryl's caramel stash, and she kept holding them back with this frightening amount of Easy Cheese. Only one of them wasn't thus occupied. Zoisite was sprawled lazily across the couch, lying down on her front, and dangling a hand onto the floor. She had a dreamy expression which suggested to Endymion that the girl was probably stoned off her ass, and couldn't tell tomorrow from a wombat in Kingdom Come. The creepy prince studied her intently. She was quite beautiful, actually, despite the fact that she had tried to kill him so many times. He leaned over to get a better look at her face, still wreathed with an expression of pure bliss. All that she noticed was an impression of thick dark hair and dark eyes, through her own veiled, half-lidded eyes.  
  
"D'you wanna go to bed together?" Endymion asked in his usual disturbing way. She continued to smile beatifically up at him. "Is your name Orlando Bloom?" "Do you want it to be?"  
  
"Well, is it is, or is it aint?" "Ummm..yeah! yeah, my name's Orlando Bloom!"  
  
"Oh. Well, all right, then. Take me!" In all the confusion, nobody noticed that Endymion (who had correctly assumed Zoisite's latest object of fascination was English) had assumed an English accent, and was carrying her up the stairs to the bedroom. Nephrite paused a minute in the frenzy of trying to take Beryl's caramels and announced: "My feet make noises." No one seemed to notice him, so he returned to attempting to steal his Queen's caramels.  
  
After quite a while and many bottles of Easy Cheese, the villains and villainesses gave up and went back up to the dinning area. Sitting around the table, the group began to drink saki with Nephrite. They were all soon very drunk, which is not a good thing, because (as I am sure you all know by now) next morning there will be many female screams and male grins. So, since there is no more to say on this subject, let us continue to the next morning…  
  
~*~*~  
  
"AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Zoisite screamed as she opened her eyes to see not Orlando Bloom (who she thought she had gone to bed with the night before) but Endymion next to her. She jumped up and ran down the hallway, not yet realizing that she was wearing… um… nothing. She was about to realize this fact when Wicked Lady ran out of a room screaming at the top of her lungs, wearing a sheet wrapped around her like a toga. The two women continued to scream as their sleeping partners made their ways out of the rooms. They were none other than Endymion (well, we already knew that one, but for the sake of drama…) and… *dun dun dun* Nephrite.  
  
The screams awakened the other occupants of the house, who either joined in their screaming or made their way out into the hall to see what was going on. Nephrite, thinking that Zoisite was the one he had had last night, fell forward onto her and commented,  
  
"See, I knew you'd give me another massage. Just like last time…"  
  
"You idiot, I didn't give you a massage!!!!" Zoisite yelled. Endymion, who could really care less what was happening to Zoisite since she wasn't in bed with him anymore, turned to Wicked lady and attempted to pull the sheet off of her. The fact that at that moment Fish Eye and Prince Diamond came out did not help matters for Wicked Lady, because Diamond was very interested in what was under that sheet as well, and Fish Eye could care less what happened to Wicked Lady. Instead, he went over to Nephrite and they both fell to the floor. (I won't say more, hoping to keep this only *slightly* lemon flavored.) Tiger's Eye and Queen Beryl (how that happened I don't want to know) came out, followed by Prisma and Jedite, Catsy and Hawk's Eye, Birdie and Sapphire, and Avery and Kunzite. Now that everyone was out and the saki worn off (except for Nephrite, who had just had some), there were immediate arguments. Zoisite was snatched away from Nephrite by Kunzite, Sapphire came to Wicked Lady's rescue, Prisma and Diamond seemed to be getting along very well, Tiger's Eye was back to trying to un-zip Birdie's outfit, Hawk's Eye was back to hitting on Queen Beryl, Catsy and Avery were back to arguing over Jedite, Evil Prince Endymion was trying to save Beryl with his roses, Zoisite was screaming about them again, Wicked Lady was screaming about how she couldn't stand having her "father" here, Nephrite was hitting on Sapphire, again, and Fish Eye was running around like a lunatic (not that he isn't, of course) screaming about cats. Kunzite came to Sapphire's rescue (after Zoisite was properly covered once again) and played Toss the Drunk, throwing Nephrite into an empty room by his hair and quickly slamming the door and locking it so that Nephrite couldn't escape. Queen Beryl literally dragged Endymion (being as tall as she is) into their basement room, yelling at him all the while about sleeping with Zoisite. Wicked Lady (still wearing her sheet) and Zoisite ran after them and locked the door. That would take care of that for awhile. Pretty soon everyone had made their way into the living room. Wicked lady retreated into her room to become properly clothed (much to Tiger's Eye and Prince Diamond's displeasure), Zoisite sad on the couch with Kunzite, still daydreaming about Orlando Bloom (who played Legolas in Lord of the Rings), but now dreaming that Kunzite was Orlando, so things didn't seem very out of the ordinary. (Except that she was calling Kunzite "Orlando".) Sapphire, Tiger's Eye, Jedite, Diamond, Catsy, Avery, Birdie, and Prisma all sat around the table and began to talk about innocent things like taking over the world and torturing people, but that soon changed. Prisma and Birdie were, once again, Tiger's Eye's favorite people, due to their revealing clothes, and Catsy and Avery were both hanging on Jedite's arms. Diamond and Sapphire were arguing over Wicked Lady (doesn't she feel special), Diamond complaining because "all the fun has been taken out of my nights" and Sapphire just laughing at him and bragging that he was now having LOTS of "fun" in the night, more than he used to with Prisma, and causing Prisma to get angry.  
  
"Sapphire-sama, how could you say such a thing??!!!" Prisma whined, and Tiger's Eye slipped his hand lower around her waist and murmured,  
  
"I'll give you some fun tonight."  
  
"Get away from me!" Prisma screamed, but failed to get away, and no one came to her rescue.  
  
"Sapphire, you back-stabbing little brother, I command you as your Prince to give Wicked lady up!!" Diamond shouted, remembering the karaoke bar where Queen Beryl had ordered Zoisite around. Unfortunately, he had forgotten that it didn't work very well.  
  
"Oh, put a sock in it, big bro." Sapphire mocked. "I could care less what you 'order' me to do." Sapphire rolled his eyes, causing steam to come out of Diamond's head. They continued to argue, while, on the couch, Zoisite was STILL convinced that Kunzite was Orlando Bloom.  
  
"Oh Orlando-sama, I love you." She muttered, and hugged Kunzite's arm very, very tight so that it cut off the circulation to his hand and lower arm. That went on for awhile, and since it's not very interesting (goman nasi, Zoi-chan, but you hugging Kunzite's arm isn't all that exciting…!!) we will return to the table where Sapphire and Diamond are still arguing and Wicked Lady enters stage left.  
  
"Sapphire-sama." She murmured in Sapphire's ear, kissing it, and sliding into his lap. She was happy to feel Sapphire's arm around her waist, and she smiled smugly at Diamond. "Oh Diamond-sama," Wicked Lady said. "I'm sorry for taking all the fun out of your nights, but you know, you could always go find that Moon Brat of yours. I'm not sure if she's any good, and if my father had to resort to Beryl instead of her I'm going to assume that she isn't any good, but at least you could still have 'fun' during the night." She laughed evil and kissed Sapphire, rather passionately, just to rub it in on Diamond and make him more angry. She enjoyed do that.  
  
A deep growling noise came from Diamond's throat and Wicked Lady just laughed evilly. She kissed Sapphire again, this time longer and harder. She could have cared less that Diamond was there, watching, getting angrier by the minute, but that was an added bonus.  
  
~*~*~  
  
"There's a place in France, where the girl's don't wear no pants, there's a hole in the wall, where the guys can watch it all." Sang a little boy in a schoolyard. (A couple days later.) At that moment, however, Nephrite was walking by. He quickly reached through the fence and grabbed the boy, pulling him close.  
  
"Where??!!! Where is it?? Tell me!!!!"  
  
"Whaa!!!!" The little boy began to cry, afraid of this crazy man. Two police men (ironically the ones who had been at the karaoke bar) came and grabbed Nephrite, hand cuffed him, and put him in their car. They drove him "down town" for some questioning.  
  
~*~*~  
  
At the police station, they had called Nephrite's home and he had to be picked up and brought home, because he was so drunk that they would not let him out of their sight until they were sure all girls, young and old, and poor little boys in schoolyards would be safe from him. So, the whole entire villain crew of this fic, naturally, had to come and get Nephrite. They walked into the station arguing, and the police, upon seeing Endymion, recognized him as the man many, many, many women had reported for raping them. But since they really didn't want to deal with that right now, they didn't say anything. (some cops huh? Makes u feel real safe, don't it?)  
  
"I assume you're all hear to get him?" A younger policeman asked, pointing to Nephrite, who had struck up an apparently very interesting with a chair, and then gone on to "fall in love" with it, or so he claimed as Kunzite, Sapphire, and Diamond all grabbed him by the arms and scruff of his neck and dragged him out, but not before he had succeeded in throwing Wicked Lady's skirt up over her head and ripping an entire side off Zoisite's skirt (luckily it was a double layer skirt), pulling the zipper ALL the way down on Birdie's swim-suit looking outfit, and ripping off the feathers from the front of Prisma's outfit, which was not a good place at all for Nephrite to be grabbing (though it was later rumored that Prisma rather enjoyed it, and would have enjoyed it more had that been Sapphire). There followed a series of screams, insults (which I will not tell to you because they are very colorful) and slaps being delivered to Nephrite's face. He just grinned stupidly and commented, (can you guess what it is? What does he always say at the worst time? It makes one of the females very mad… Her name starts with a 'Z'… yep, you guessed it!!)  
  
"Zoi-chan, I want another massage! C'mon, just like yesterday, please!!!"  
  
"YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!!!! YOU DRUNKEN, PERVERTED BASTARD!!!!!! THERE WAS NO YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" You see, Zoisite had had a terrible day so far, and this just took the cake. You see…  
  
**Zoisite sat up in bed and hit her head. She groaned and threw back the covers, trudging over to the bathroom. She looked and looked, but could not find an Advil or any other brand of aspirin to cure her horrible headache. "Kunzite-sama, my head hurts!" She whined, forgetting for the moment her newest major crush, and forgetting that she thought Kunzite was him.  
  
"Don't complain to me, Zoisite." He said coldly. "Why don't you go tell your darling 'Orlando', whoever he is." Kunzite, being already dressed and ready, marched out of the room moodily and slammed the door behind him. Zoisite pouted. Why was Kunzite-sama so upset with her? (She could not remember calling him "Orlando" the night before, many, many times.) And now her head hurt worse because of the slammed door.  
  
She got dressed, still pouting, but was unable to find the outfit she wanted to wear. After having much trouble with her hair and make-up, she emerged from her room and walked into the living/dinning room to find Tiger's Eye looking at pictures of her wearing her lace teddy a few nights before that Melvin had taken. (How Tiger's Eye got the pictures she didn't know and didn't care.) She screamed and grabbed at the pictures, but Tiger's Eye pulled them out of her reach. After awhile, she seceded in getting pictures, but was then further enraged by Tiger's Eye pulling out a live-size model of her wearing the teddy.  
  
Thankfully, Wicked Lady came out at the moment as well, and pulled out her umbrella to help Zoisite destroy that horrible picture. But, right when Wicked Lady was about to blast it (Zoisite was already shooting ice crystals at it, but it would take a hell of a lot of ice crystals to destroy that thing) Sapphire came up behind her (Wicked Lady) and kissed her. Wicked Lady forget what she was about to do and kissed Sapphire back. So, Zoisite was left to shoot many ice crystals at it.  
  
She looked around, waiting for Nephrite to say SOMETHING about the live- size picture, but he said nothing. It was then that she realized that he was gone already, and at least that was a plus. But she was once again disappointed when Queen Beryl got in the way of her ice crystals and was hit by them, and then began to scream in that horrible voice of hers. Endymion decided he had to help his lover, and pulled out a bunch of roses that he threw at Zoisite. She began to run around the room, being chased by roses, with Beryl laughing and Endymion laughing because she told him to, and Kunzite just watching her, making no move to help her because he was still mad at her. Eventually Diamond came out and got hit by the roses, and remembered that it was "Cape Boy" who had taken the love of his life away, Sailor Moon, when he was just about to seduce her and make her his wife. So Diamond, Beryl, and Endymion all began to fight, making Zoisite's head ten times worse, while she was still being chased by the roses.  
  
Kunzite turned on the TV very loud (so he could hear it over the arguing) and the Four sisters came out, Birdie and Prisma being targeted by Tiger's Eye and screeching for someone to safe them, and Avery and Catsy began to argue over Jedite, for the millionth time that week. Fish Eye and Hawk's Eye came out and joined the argument with Beryl, Diamond, and Endymion, each protecting the people they "loved." (But, to both Hawk's Eye's and Fish Eye's disappoint, that was not literal.)  
  
It went on like that until the phone rang, and Wicked Lady broke away from Sapphire to answer it. It was the police. They had to go pick up Nephrite from the police station. The arguments and screams and kisses (in Wicked Lady and Sapphire's case) were put off until later, as they all went down to see what Nephrite had been arrested for.**  
  
So, naturally, when Nephrite announced that he wanted another massage like yesterday, which didn't exist, Zoisite popped. She had had enough. "YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!!!! YOU DRUNKEN, PERVERTED BASTARD!!!!!! THERE WAS NO YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she screamed, while beating his head with her fist and his wine bottle.  
  
~*~*~  
  
"I'm bored, Jeda-chan!" Avery whined to Jadeite, who was trying rather unsuccessfully to get free of Catsy's death grip at the moment.  
  
"Avery!" he snapped at her, his patience waning and growing thin,  
  
"I'm a little busy at the moment! If you're so damn bored, help me get this creature offa me!!" Avery came running over, delighted to help her beloved Jadeite, but tripped over Nephrite (who had passed out on the floor) and knocked both Jadeite AND Catsy backwards into the coffee table, where Wicked Lady sat, drinking yet another latte. Sometimes, everyone thought that she and Zoisite were trying to get * high * off of those things. Anywho, she knocked the two of them into the coffee table and rendered them totally unconscious, and the tremors of the table caused Wicked Lady's coffee to go all over her dress.  
  
"OW!!!!" she howled. "What the Hell happened here! Ow! Baka! This hurts! Fakku, oban!" she screamed at Avery, throwing whatever she could get her hands on at the brunette. Avery high-tailed it out of the room, seeking someone to complain to.  
  
"I had a dream my life would be…/so different from this HELL I'm living!/ So different now from what it seemed/ now life has killed the dream I dreamed…/  
  
Avery stopped at the sound of someone belting out what she knew to be "I Dreamed a Dream" from the musical Les Miserables. She knew the song to be a lament (in her way of thinking, a complaint,) and the entire musical to be one bigger lament, or complaint, in her vapid little mind.  
  
"Yes!!!" the ditsy villainess crowed. "Finally!! Someone to complain to!"  
  
She walked upstairs and found Zoisite leaning on the top of the stair rail, now starting in on another song.  
  
"There's a grief/that can't be spoken/there's a pain/goes on and on.."  
  
Avery came running up and glomped her.  
  
"Yaaaaay! Someone to complain to!" she squealed, not releasing Zoisite from her death grip.  
  
"Avery. I am being very moody and depressive right now. Get the fuck out of my way." Zoisite ordered in a flat tone.  
  
Regardless, Avery plunged right on ahead with her "woeful" tale.  
  
"---and I was really really bored, and Jadeite wouldn't pay any attention to me, and then I killed him and Catsy and got hot coffee on Wicked lady, and I think she wants to drown in that stuff, or sumtin, cuz---"  
  
Avery's scream as she hurtled over the stair rail and crashed into the floor below could only be heard for a few moments. She had been thrown with great force.  
  
When Avery quite literally hit bottom, Wicked Lady looked up from yet another latte, and found Zoisite standing at the top of the stairs, a sadistic smirk on her pretty face. The pink-haired woman shook her head.  
  
"That girl needs something to do."  
  
"Wicked-chan!" Zoisite called plaintively. "Kunzite's still mad at me…"  
  
Wicked Lady ascended the stairs, and looked at her friend. "You're bored and depressed. I'm just bored. And we both can't just do odd jobs forever!"  
  
"But people will think we're house-wives! And we're not even married!"  
  
"No, no, no, you see, we both have talent. You're a drama queen—"  
  
"MELOdrama queen," Beryl interrupted. Wicked Lady threw her a carmel, and the queen slunk off, muttering about a precious.  
  
"Anyway, you're a drama queen, and so am I, so we can both become actresses!!"  
  
~*~*~  
  
The queen "resurfaced" into their conversation in search of more (can you guess?) carmel, and when no carmels were found she stalked out of the house and down to the candy shop. Beryl having been to the candy shop ten times already that day in search of more beloved carmels left remembering she had already bought the store out. So instead she went walking around town and looked for more candy stores to buy all the carmel from. Wandering around aimlessly looking for caramels, and not knowing a lot about earth, she decided to go into a store called New Reflections, thinking they might have caramels for her, since EVERYONE in the world wanted to please her. She entered looked around, and saw people sitting in chairs that went up and down, up and down, up and down. Beryl decided she wanted to try it. She sat down in the chair, but it didn't go up and down. She pouted, and would have left, if a woman had not come over and asked her,  
  
"Would you like a hair cut?"  
  
Beryl, being completely brain-dead from not having enough caramels, nodded stupidly, thinking that maybe she'd get a caramel after she got a "hair cut," whatever that was. So, the young lady went to work. She cut it. She really, really, cut it! I mean really, it was cut! Not only did she use the sharp objects (that Beryl wanted to throw after she saw her hair (which had been cut)) to shorten Beryl's hair, but she really, really cut it! The young lady turned Beryl around to look into the mirror, and Beryl was shocked by the shortness of it. Beryl jumped up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, just like the chair, until she stopped. Beryl smiled, scaring some of the younger children in the shop, and bounced, actually bounced, out of the store, and all the way home.  
  
~*~*~  
  
"It's a pyramid!!!!" Zoisite screamed with laughter as she and Wicked Lady fell on the floor laughing hysterically so that they couldn't stop if they tried. Everyone else's mouths fell open so wide that you could see down their throat, and Endymion actually passed out from shock. This seemed to amuse Wicked Lady and Zoisite even more, as Wicked Lady shouted out,  
  
"Sissy boy fainted!!!" And the two of them bust out in even louder fits of laughter.  
  
Beryl, who had been very happy with her hair after she had gotten over the first shock of it, frowned and looked around at the rest of the stupefied villains (and the two villainesses who were almost dieing of laughter on the floor).  
  
"It's a pyramid!!!!" Zoisite called out again, causing the two former laughing villains to burst out laughing again, and give Tiger's Eye and Nephrite another chance to look up their skirts (unintentionally, of course) which the two perverted villains did not miss. All in all, it took quiet a while for everything to calm down. Beryl, who wasn't feeling to sure of herself anymore after being laughed at for a whole 45 minutes, retreated to her basement bedroom, with Endymion. No one wanted to know what was going on down there, but they did. Even if they couldn't guess it, from the, uh, noises coming from the basement you could guess. (Well, except for Prisma, but we won't get into that right now.)  
  
~*~*~  
  
A few days later, Avery was watching TV and saw a show where a sleep-over took place. After seeing that, she decided she wanted to have one too. She began to decide who to invite. Her first thoughts were Wicked Lady and Zoisite, because after all, they were the coolest people she knew. Then she decided to invite Fish Eye, Prisma, Birdie, Beryl and Catsy of course. It took awhile, but she got everyone to come and they were all in Avery's room with lots of candy (raspberry cream savers and life-saver fruit chews and M&M's to be exact) and a whole bunch of Mountain Dew Code Red (which turned out to be a bad idea as you'll see later). The sleep-over was rather interesting…  
  
After about six cans of Code Red, Zoisite was rather hyper. In fact, she seemed actually high. She ran outside quiet a few times, yelling things, singing thing, and flashing people!! The "girls" stayed up watching movies and TV, and when they were really board, throwing M&M's and at the TV screen and cracking up after it. (Actually, that was only Zoisite and Wicked Lady..) The M&M's were the center of attention for awhile, as all the female villains were putting the bowl close to their faces and letting their eyes go out of focus. (Actually, it looks really cool.)  
  
"Oohh, pretty colors!" Avery said as she dropped the M&M bowl on the ground and it spilled. No one seemed to notice now though, because by this time they were all high off the M&M's.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Meanwhile, Nephrite wanted to know what was going on at the "sleep-over" and if the female villains were wearing anything skimpy, or even anything at all! So, he decided to go see.  
  
*The Pink Panther Theme Song Plays* He snuck down the hallways, keeping to the shadows. A couple times he thought he heard noises and hid, but he managed to get to the door without being caught. He turned the knob and opened the door. *Song Ends*  
  
Nephrite was very glad at what he saw. The villainesses lay passed out on the floor, wearing, at most, only bra and underwear. Some were even topless! (After all, that is what happens when you play strip poker!) Zoisite and Wicked Lady lay on the floor, holding hands and Zoisite's head on Wicked Lady's shoulder. Nephrite smiled to himself, closing the door behind him and working his way around the discarded clothing, and to his first victim, Prisma. He stripped off her remaining clothes, smiled to himself, and did this to the rest. When he was done with this and no one had woken up, he got braver. He began to pleasure himself with some of the villains, putting them together and with himself. He was about to move on to Zoisite, when she woke up and screamed. Her scream alerted Wicked Lady, who screamed before she knew what was going on, and everyone else woke up and began screaming as well.  
  
Within seconds, Tiger's Eye, Diamond, Sapphire, and Kunzite were in the room. They took in the scene immediately. Tiger's Eye wondered why he hadn't thought of this himself, and he and Fish Eye got it on. Meanwhile, Sapphire and Kunzite threw Nephrite out of the room, while Diamond went straight to Wicked Lady and started to feel her up. She slapped him and ran to Sapphire, who protected her. Zoisite ran to Kunzite, who for the moment forgot he was mad at her, and Jedite now decided to make an appearance. Avery and Catsy both ran to him and began to fight, while Prisma began to beg Sapphire to take her back and Birdie and Diamond got more familiar with each other. All in all, it was an… interesting scene… 


End file.
